funnysayings.us » funny sayings

funny sayings 2014 07 16

funny sayings 2014 07 16
  • I really want to buy one of these grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
  • Having a company tell you they will keep your resume on file in case any job opens up meeting your qualifications is about as empty as the points on Who's Line Is It Anyway.
  • Man buys $100 penis enlarger online, gets se

funny sayings 2014 07 07

funny sayings 2014 07 07
  • The most dangerous phrase in the language is "we've always done it this way."
  • I heard a kid say "but DAAAAD" and his dad said "Did you just call me BUTT-DAD? You're grounded".
  • Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we're both sitting in our underwear eating donuts.
  • Workers

funny sayings 2014 06 25

funny sayings 2014 06 25
  • Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea.
  • They should put prizes in tampon boxes, be like yeah your period sucks but here's 50% off of some ice cream.
  • When a woman is attracted to man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal. That explains why every girl I talk to sounds like batman...
  • Life becomes eas

funny sayings 2014 06 13

funny sayings 2014 06 13
  • If you see someone crying, ask if it is because of their haircut.
  • If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
  • The secret to enjoying wine: I) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. II) when it does not breathe, give it a mouth-to-mouth.

funny sayings 2014 06 09

  • True love is when girlfriend has to pee really bad but is waiting for nails to dry, so boyfriend has to come into the bathroom with her and learn how to wipe a hoo-ha :0)
  • You can't drink all day ... If you don't start in the morning.
  • "Boys will be boys" is the lamest excuse in the book. You might as well say "I don't know how to parent but I vaguely unders

funny sayings 2014 05 30

funny sayings 2014 05 30
  • Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello to a tree!
  • I don't have brain farts, my brain completely shits its pants from time to time.
  • What if we spelled 'people' like this: peepole. That would be funny I think.
  • A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  • Hurr

funny sayings 2014 05 23

funny sayings 2014 05 23
  • If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of 4 girls on Instagram, and then comment, "You 3 look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
  • I stubbed my toe and naturally I screamed "MOTHER F***ER" and then my dad poked his head out of the livingroom and said "you rang?"
  • In case of fire: please leave the building before posting it on socia

funny sayings 2014 05 16

funny sayings 2014 05 16
  • Two students, James and John, who are required by an English test to describe a man who, in the past, had suffered from a cold. John writes "The man had a cold" which the teacher marks as being incorrect, while James writes the correct "The man had had a cold." Since James' answer was right, it had had a better effect on the teacher. James, while John had had

funny sayings 2014 05 09

funny sayings 2014 05 09
  • "I can do that. Hold my beer" - My last words, probably.
  • Ladies, if you think your man is cheating, take him to that bitch's front door and see if his wifi connects.
  • Science is magic that works.
  • It's a lot easier to start the day when you know it will end with BEER.
  • To relieve stress we do Yoga... Just kidding, we

funny sayings 2014 04 30

funny sayings 2014 04 30
  • We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
  • I don't fart, I whisper in my panties... sometimes it's a scream.
  • "A vodka, please." "Sir, this is McDonald's." "Ok, a MacVodka, please."
  • Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves

funny sayings 2014 04 25

funny sayings 2014 04 25
  • I don't need to flirt, I will seduce you with my awkwardness.
  • Some guy is so intent on spoiling Game of Thrones that he actually wrote a series of novels dedicated to telling you what's gonna happen.
  • Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it, yet those who do study history are doomed to stand by helplessly while everyone el

funny sayings 2014 04 18

  • I'm at that awkward age where half my friends are engaged and having babies and the other half are too drunk to even find their phones.
  • So if someone accidentally butt dials you and tries to FaceTime, is it called "butt facing"?
  • Answered the door to mormons in a pikachu onesie, calmy said 'as you can see I firmly believe in evolution' then shut the door. This day

funny sayings 2014 04 14

  • If WILL.I.AM's gravestone doesn't say WILL.I.WAS, I'll be pretty disappointed.
  • I sometimes make fake OKCupid accounts, just so guys can tell me how pretty I am.
  • I've got some kind of allergic reaction going on and my face is breaking out in a bad rash and my mom is freaking out and wants to take me to the ER and my dad was like "let's not make any rash decisio


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