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funny sayings 2009 11 27

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

I told my

funny sayings 2009 11 21

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright.

That's the thing about Mother Nature, she really doesn't care what economic bracket you're in.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."


People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.


Live a

funny sayings 2009 11 11

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most women set out to try

funny sayings 2009 11 08

Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there.

Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?

Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

Always remember you're unique. Just li

funny sayings 2009 11 06

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.


If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.


My father hated radio and he

funny sayings 2009 11 05

A woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning but to a man it is the beginning of the end.

I like my whisky old and my women young.

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement. Of course He could have made it to last longer, but you can't have everything.

I'd much rather

funny sayings 2009 11 04

I think a relationship is like a shark.
It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.


Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once.

A man in love is incomplete until he has

funny sayings 2009 11 03

What do you mean we don't communicate?
Just yesterday I faxed you a reply to the recorded message you left on my answering machine.

If a man is talking in the forest,
and there is no woman there to hear him,
is he still wrong?

Nothing is impossible for the man
who doesn't have to do it himself.

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

The most difficult thing in the world

funny sayings 2009 11 02

The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds.

One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.

A small town is a place where there's no place to go where you shouldn't.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and di

funny sayings 2009 10 31

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
------------------------------------------------------
Acting is not very hard.
The most important things are to be able to
laugh and cry.
If I have to cry,
I think of my sex life.
And if I h

funny sayings 2009 10 25

Go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with stinky finger.

oral sex is a good way to make a woman silent.

It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position.


Man has his will, - but woman has her way.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

funny sayings 2009 10 18

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

A blind man in a dark room - looking for a black hat - which isn't there.


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